What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 00:23
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Put me off passion for life!!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
What makes you feel guilty the most?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Why do women consider 80% of men as unattractive?
It was going to be , some day.
I was seconnd youngest,
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But ive been too sick for many years..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Can a cop pull you over walking home asking why you are out so late?
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Can you explain the difference between “mi piace” and “mi piacciono” in Italian?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Why did i forgive my father ?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She married twice! .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One cannot live in the past .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But it wasn’t much.
But, we were locked up after school.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I think the readers, may guess!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She found it foreign!.
I was scared of men, in general
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Especially a lifetime of it.
I will be 64.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was very sick at this time too.
I waited trembling.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So whats the point in blame.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Would this be the day?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Ive learnt so much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I write beautiful poetry .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Who then, do I blame.?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was in good health!
What did i know ?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
So, i spoilt her more .
My family never makes their pension either.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I don,t even have a pension.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I have no regrets .
He knew the spot.
This is soul school!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was 9 years of age.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He resisted the act ,that day.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She loved him until the end.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
(And it was in our own minds.)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She wouldn,t have been !
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im still living with it.
All the time i was locked up.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And i lived it daily.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I could never make a relationship work though!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I said to her
We all went to grammer schools
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I never cut or harmed myself..
We were not on the streets..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
When she asked me how she looked .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I couldn’t, believe it.
My life is so biszare .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Comes on , in middle age.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!